Levi’s Stadium

THE PREAMBLE

America. Home of the free, land of the brave. It calls my name with the forceful ululations of a triad of sirens whispering their sweet beckoning call. The promise: nachos and an NFL football game. Dedicated readers will know my love of the stadium experience. While there exists the eternal question of which sport is more fitting with nachos, baseball or football, I am never one to turn down opportunity, especially when that opportunity is to engage in a day of sweet, unbridled cheesy gluttony with the sour tang of full fat sour cream. This experience carried with it the snaking silvery vein of heightened risk as I walked into the sprawling and thundering stadium with the vivid plumage of the visiting team splayed on my back. Festooned with the colouration of a divisional rival, I was a glimmer of decorum and culture among idolatrous peasants, I upheld morals and values amidst a sea of uncultured yokels. One might ask: did you feel scared? The answer: no. My heart did pump afrenzy, my breathing did lay ragged and my fingertips did tingle, but only with the dawning realization that there was more than one vendor serving nachos, and I was going to try them both.

THE PLACE

For unclear reasons, Levi’s Stadium is located in Santa Clara, a pretty short jump on the Caltrain. It was slightly disappointing not to get to watch a game in the legendary Candlestick Park but Levi’s Stadium is new, and new big shiny things require wide open spaces. As ‘The (Dixie) Chicks’ will tell you, wide open spaces give room for big mistakes, and this game proved them to be correct. But as for the stadium, it has a colossal footprint that dominates the skyline. As you enter the imposing structure, the violent calls of the home fans reverberate throughout the towering concrete halls to become a thundering din. As loud as this was, nothing compared to the increasingly deafening rumbling of my stomach anticipating the nachos to come.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tX5ZRE26YWM

TO THE ‘CHOS

A preceding note to this rating: all stadium nachos enjoyed on the upper tier have a uniquely wonderful nuance. The nacho bowl and the stadium become one and each chip scooped into the plethora of toppings below becomes as if one is dipping into the stadium experience. Also, if your team is winning, the nachos taste infinitely better and let me tell you, this one was a STOMP.

ORDER #1 – STADIUM FAVORITES

Traditional corn-based chips, well-cooked shredded chicken, chopped tomatoes, onions and jalapenos, all topped with a classic stadium artificial queso and a light, but tangy green chili white sauce. Delicious. Shockingly, I say this with the notable absence of any sour cream or side option for sour cream. Everyone knows the importance of FFOB to me, but it is a testament to this nacho dish that I didn’t immediately launch it into the bin with the force of legendary backup QB Colt McCoy throwing a dart over the middle to Christian Kirk. I’ll say it again: delicious.

RATING #1

  • Overall: 14.5/20
  • Taste: 4.5/5
  • Presentation: 4/5
  • Mouthfeel: 3/5
  • Toppings: 3/5
Delight.

ORDER #2 – IGUANAS BURRITOZILLA

These nachos were bad. It started poorly and only went downhill with each bite. The beef was overcooked and tough. The toppings were only beef, jalapenos, artificial queso and sour cream. That’s it? Four ingredients? It is the year 2022 in a modern NFL stadium – where is the sense of pizazz, style, the thing that sets you apart from all else? This was a slapdash attempt to create a dish and an insult to what a dish of nachos should be considered. This was an example of malicious compliance of what technically can be defined as nachos. In reality, after a few bites, the bottom ended up being a congealed mass that looked and felt like something you’d use to patch the holes in the wall of a mud hut. Admittedly, I hate-ate half of them in the hopes of finding some redeeming feature but in the end, I had to set the half-eaten nachos down and cast lingering and longing gazes at the already empty paper container of the first set of nachos.

RATING #2

  • Overall: 5/20
  • Taste: 1/5
  • Presentation: 2/5
  • Mouthfeel: 1/5
  • Toppings: 1/5

Pain.

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